1:15 a.m. last night I layed in bed, scared. I wrote a couple of you a text message saying,
"I'm scared to go to India."
I curled up and watched the blinking cursor on my phone. I closed my eyes and wrapped my blanket tighter around me.
15 minutes later, I erased the message and wrote a new one.
"I'm letting myself go to India. I'm trusting."
I closed my eyes and imagined myself there. Alone. Lonely. Hurting. Homesick.
And I breathed those feelings in, embraced them, and let them go.
I then erased the text message to you, because it was for me.
I leave on September 26th. I have about two weeks left here. I'm curious, what advice would you give me?
7 comments:
My advice:
1) Take twice as much underwear as you think you'll need. Wearing jeans for 3-4 days isn't that bad, but how many times have we run out of knickers and there's no laundering in sight?
2) You're so thin, it would hurt to pork out a little on American food 'fore you go.
3) If you get sick or need to come home, there's no shame or disappointment in that. We go places, we stay places, and when we're done, we leave places. There's no "should" when it comes to feeling right about being someplace.
4) I believe in you. You're like a little dreadlocked hippy superman.
just breathe em. and if you need a reminder to do that, look at the green bracelet that is on your wrist. love and light IS around you.
I would say....
Love the fear, like Christmas Eve anticipation. Let it motivate you and sharpen your senses and help you take in all the new information around you.
Let the fear be tamed and calmed by love pouring out from all your friends, from your family, from God. You will be loved and cared for and cherished and blessed and prayed for and missed.
I am jealous of the Indian people for having you for the next year instead of us. All the things we will long for, they will have. What a gift you have to bring! Such a gift of strong soul and spirit and passion and love, of connection with people and universe and God! Temper the fear with your love and knowledge that you have something amazing to offer.
You were afraid on Christmas eve?!? What the deuce were your hippy parents wrapping?
(ha)
This afternoon, I met my supervising teacher for my practicum at the middle school. A few moments ago, I was thinking, "Boy, I'm a little scared to start on Thursday." Then I came here. You're going to INDIA! Whoa! I'd be scared too. I really would. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do a great job, or that I wouldn't love it while I was there. Fear isn't permanent, and when it subsides, great things surface. I'm so excited for you!
...Or if none of that works, try to pretend that they're all walking around in their underwear...
Ha ha! No, Chef, I wasn't SCARED on Christmas Eve, per se, but I was filled with nervous anticipation. Fear and nervous anticipation share a lot of characteristics, and sometimes are really the same thing, manifest differently. I know I feel that way about every show. I'm excited and nervous and at the same time I dread it, wondering if it won't go as I want, and depending on the moment and what else is going on, sometimes I feel outright fear and dread. Sometimes I can tame it and feel the excitement overtake the pit in my stomach.
Emily's not being dragged to India. She chose it, because she's excited about the possibilities. I think the anticipation of that bears a lof of similarities to things like Christmas morning and performing: Things that you WANT and have certain expectations about, but also are afraid of, or afraid won't go how you want them to, or are afraid of how hard it will be to have them. etc.
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