Someday I'm going to be a mother. (Now that by itself is enough to freak me out. I don't know how women do it every day as if it was nothing.)
For years one of the hardest and most depressing things about my future was the fact that I had to do dishes for the rest of my life. This might sound ridiculous, but it was truly a problem for me. It felt despairing to realize that that same dish that I was washing at that moment was to be washed over and over and over for the next 50+ years. And not only that, but that same floor was to be swept over and over and over, and that carpet was to be vacuumed, etc. etc. When I saw my housewife friends pick up toys in the living room so that they could vacuum AGAIN, I would go home wanting to cry. "This is my future," I would sob. THIS, but with crying kids running around and me being a frazzled and very depressed under-potentialed mother.
And then not too long ago I learned from the Buddhists about mindfulness. Have you learned this yet? To me, being mindful means being present, living in the Now, breathing in and out, clearing your mind, clearing your heart of poisons. It suddenly occurred to me that anything, ANYTHING can be a meditation.
And I tried it.
Washing dishes became a meditation. It's a reminder to me to slow down. I focus on any part of washing the dish. The warm water, and how it feels on my soapy hands. The way my feet balance on the kitchen floor. The way I'm breathing, the song playing on the radio, or the thoughts in my head. The bird in the tree outside the window... anything. As silly as it may sound all this made me feel better about being a mom.
Now my future of lint on the carpet and washing spaghetti stains off of tupperware doesn't seem so desperately empty. The Now is always full beyond capacity.
4 comments:
We had this conversation a long time ago. This is something we could have talked about in greater detail when you came back to visit. You were too tired as it was, so oh well.
Ryan
I'm in the transition to becoming a mother, a lifelong dream. Funny how I never considered my life-to-be washing dishes or cleaning - but staying at home with my children was my ultimate dream.
At this stage, I sometimes get down because I live contributing to the dishes piling in the sink, and watch as my amazing partner rushes to clean them for me. How dare I be so lazy? Then, he reminds me - nothing inside me has the possibility of laziness right now. I'm living a miraculous process - the ideal creation - which he can currently contribute nothing more than rushing to clean the dishes and remind me of the beauty inside.
Motherhood includes cleaning, yes. Writing includes checking spelling and grammer. Saving the world (as I like to refer to my current job) includes asking people to spare some money. But cleaning, spelling, and fundraising are not the soul of the job.
My future includes the most intimate influence possible. My future includes loving partnership and adventure.
My future includes dazzling meditations and creations.
My present includes mindfulness, aware that the nausea, the pain, the fatigue, the insomnia, are not the heart of what is happening. They are small evidences of a miracle. Thank you body, for living this miraculous challenge. Thank you pain, for letting me give of myself for another.
Thank you, Em, for letting me take a moment to remember...
wow, what passionate feedback.
mmm, Amberlynn! I'm so happy that you...beautiful you with give birth...I'm so happy.
Love,
Lumina
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