He was provoking me on purpose.
"There's real, valid reasons why people get cynical. Their life dreams get buried under mountains of trauma, heartbreak, sorrow, laundry, bills, sick kids, and just surviving day to day. When you go around encouraging them to follow their dreams, it doesn't make them feel good. Your message is just...painful."
I nodded, listening, feeling a bit shaky. I have never been interviewed quite like this before. The sun was bright on the mountainside, just warm enough for my bare feet to explore the tufts of grass and wildflowers around me. I closed my eyes for a moment, connecting to the sun on my face. I found two emotions ready to surface. One was rooted in love and confidence ("I'm connected to the Source of Divinity, and I know the truth I must speak"). The other in fear, which was causing the shakiness. ("Ok never mind. I have no idea what I'm talking about.")
I opened my eyes, sitting in the middle of these two emotions. I answered with a string of lackluster words, resulting in an unappealing and most unconvinced look on his face. I closed my eyes again and exhaled deeply, determined to drain this lukewarm bath I was spouting of hot and cold.
This is not the first time I've been confronted with the criticism that I am not connected to reality. It will probably not be the last. (My favorite criticism was: "Emily, you need to watch the news. That's what is real.") Walking around the world with a foundation called "The Million Kisses" and a tag line that reads "Dreams are Reality" is like being a dartboard for cynics with perfect aim.
This man aimed right to the heart.
In my heart's bull eye, I have never believed in something more than this... I came to earth to dream big, and to support others in doing the same. If you aren't someone I know personally and you are following my journey, it's probably either because 1) your dreams are calling you to find them. Or 2) The dreams living in your heart won't get squashed no matter how many sick kids or bills you have, and you desire support in getting through each difficult moment. (I BELIEVE IN YOU.)
As pretty as the word DREAM is, walking your dream journey is work, it's messy, it's heartbreaking and back-breaking, and the very biggest ones ask everything of you, especially the ones that are really worth it. Oh yeah, and there's no promise that you'll ever get there. So you can dedicate your whole life to something, and then end up with nothing at the end, leaving you delirious...and cynical. Dead dreams are everywhere on the sides of every road around the world.
I have never unleashed so many fears as I have for the past year traveling as an international musician living in a gift economy. But I know I must sing the message that PURSUING YOUR DREAMS IS VERY IMPORTANT to everyone I can. I must embody this message until light trails out of every strand of my hair. If your dreams are gasping for air on the side of the road, I must do all I can to sing to them. Maybe my song can give breath.
This man on this sunny mountain side was provoking me because he is creating a documentary about life's beauty, and he's interviewing me.
"It's difficult for people to find beauty in mundane moments," he said. "Beauty has been buried by layers of ugliness and illusion. People will watch this film, and you are like the expert at the end. They will listen to you. So, what do you want to say?"
It's right here where I had a choice. More cold water, or more hot.
I could answer from my fear.
I would tell them that I have no idea what to say. I'm not an expert. I struggle every day with my fears and insecurities. I'm a white privileged middle class female American with a master's degree...I speak English, I'm young, healthy, I own property, I have no sick kids, no controlling husband, and thousands of supportive friends. I've never seen a physical war in this lifetime, I have a family who loves me. So I pretty much have access to every benefit under the sun. My dreams actually can become my reality because of all these circumstances and much more. So who do I think I am to go around thinking I know anything to help anyone who has actually really suffered?
Yep, that's real.
Or shall I answer from love...
I've found one deeply personal way to connect with all of humanity, no matter our circumstances in life. Everyone has a dream. Including, and especially the cynics. Many of our most beautiful dreams are buried in excuses. This is good! It's like cultivating soil. First we pull out our weeds. We must get the chance to see if we really believe in ourselves and the dream we are pursuing. If we really do, then one by one the weeds get pulled out...
"It's too expensive"
"I'm too old"
"I'm too tired and busy"
"My dream is too scary"
"I've already tried, and I failed."
I would ask the people watching this film to consider the opposite of every current reality they are living.
It's too expensive. (What am I willing to give up every month to save for it? Cable TV, take out coffee...)
I'm too old. (What if I researched others who started at an older age too? The truth is I'm not as young as I used to be, but I'm also not dead. What if I gave this a good, focused 3 years?)
I'm too tired. (Could I ask for help? Could I focus my energy and plan my week in three directions- family life, my job, and my dream?)
Start small. Live in the small choices every day. Make coffee at home for a week and save that money in a special container. These choices alone will open up a new reality. Let yourself just consider that a life dream could still come true. Considering it is like opening a window for fresh air. Change nothing else in the room. Just sit in that thought enjoying the air. Keep that window open just a crack all this spring and summer. Maybe by August you can open it a tiny bit more. Give your dream TINY consistent changes for 5, 8, 10 years. Believe in delayed gratification. Believe in patience. Believe the dream itself is your partner and wants to live. And if really nothing changes in 10 years, then come back, interview me again, and tell me and all my rainbows and unicorns where we can go. You will have more evidence than ever.
My interviewer nodded and pushed "end record" on the camera. He took off his shoes and felt the grass on his bare feet. Softly, he picked a wildflower.
Photo Credit: Omer Schwartz
