"I failed," I said.
I didn't say it from an all-encompassing, victimized stance. I don't use that word synonymously with worthless or loser. In significant ways, I am a tremendous success beyond my own comprehension. Today, however, I definitely want to highlight the failures, because I have some good ones. I will keep it general, as your story might be similar.
So far, dream #1 has taken 15 devoted years of my life. Dream #2 has required 5 years, and dream #3 has four under its belt.
These dreams have not been just sitting on my shelf untouched. They receive daily nourishment, love, work, focus, excitement, trust and gratitude. I daily let expectations go. For the majority of the time, I live in that sweet spot where I skip down the sidewalk knowing the fulfillment of these dreams are just around the corner, and so I'm enjoying the sun, the shops, and life's occasional ice cream cone so much that I don't care that I haven't reached that corner yet. But after all these years, I still haven't reached the corner. None of them are manifested. In fact, I am no closer today to reaching that corner and fulfilling these three particular dreams than when I first started dreaming them into existence.
Two weeks ago, I experienced bitterness. I recognized the bitterness was really knocking on my door when a friend sent me an email with the subject line that read, "Which Fairy Are You?" The email held a series of pictures. There were fairies with wands, lily pads, moons, wings... My friend's sweet magical invitation was to choose the one with whom I most resonated and share why. She sent it three weeks ago, and all those fairies I could choose from sat in a butterfly net in my inbox, unreleased. I recognized my bitterness was not only visiting, but was ready to move in when in a moment of impulsivity last week, dream #2 felt so impossible to ever ever ever come true that I made a counter-decision against it that spewed all manner of faithlessness and hopelessness all over my dream's wings.
And that's the one I saw in my eyes when I looked in the mirror last night. A integral fairy surrounding dream #2 died yesterday.
I know why this is surfacing. Germany has called me back. Germany, the scene of my life's biggest faith game. It is the place where I attempted to meet Giovanni, the man I had been telepathically in touch with, and in love with, for 12 years. My close friends and family know my cosmic, multi-dimensional love story well. Giovanni and I had never met in person. We communicated only through constant vivid dreams and conversations that were as real as a phone call. But there were no phone calls between us. No texting, no Facebook. I relied solely on my heart's internal navigation system that was fully activated, and that my innate hardware was trustworthy. Four and a half years ago, Giovanni and I decided to meet in Germany, and to be married. I got on a plane, allowing no particle of doubt to even touch the soles of my shoes. I showed up with my whole family. I showed up with a wedding dress in my suitcase. I showed up financially, paying for a honeymoon in a luxury castle hotel. I reserved a wedding banquet for his family and mine. But he didn't show up. And absolutely nothing else happened. A friend took photos of me in my wedding dress in the castle. Then I got back on a plane and came home.
It took months to get over the shock of what I had done. (Did you know only fools and crazy people pack wedding dresses in their suitcases and fly to Europe to marry a man they have only met in a dream?) I cried from deep places I had never known. As I wipe my tears through these years, I still cannot deny my experience, and I regret nothing. I am very proud of myself for showing up for love. I'm even more proud of myself that after that day, I keep believing in miracles and magic, and big, impossible dreams. Truthfully, I give myself no other choice. Soon after returning from Germany, I bravely picked up the pieces of myself and learned to love again. But instead of a fairy tale ending with this new (and three dimensional living-on-the-planet man), life asked me to move on from him too.
How I know heartbreak intimately.
The events in Germany happened four and a half years ago. I have absolutely no resolve, and no feeling of completion about what transpired. For my personal creative outlet, I wrote an album, and created music videos. I took one last step in order to reach the deepest level of myself I could attain. It may not seem vulnerable to the general public, but I allowed an intimate photo of me standing alone in my wedding dress to become the album cover. When all my art was done, I swept up the thousands of leftover question marks, and put them in a box in the back of my basement. And I quietly moved on.
I had no plan of going back to Germany during this European tour. I sort of threw a rock on Germany's square and wanted to play hopscotch right over it. But what a surprise...a trail of the Universe's love notes led me right to the heart of the wound, and I have replied to the call to heal with a shaky, tearful YES. I will be there for three weeks in August. The very day that Germany called, I immediately felt the box in my basement start to rumble. I was trembling. Panic, anger, wanting to close down or run away, distrust of big magic, and lots and lots of bitterness. Even writing this right now creates a well of tears.
I have dedicated my life to big dreamers. You are ridiculous to dream so big. You are a foolish bunch. And you are the bravest people on the planet. We need you. We need your vision to knock us out of boxes. We need you to teach us that impossible can be possible. You are the ones I wake up in the morning to meet.
And I love you most, because you have a healthy relationship with failure. You know exhaling in failure is as necessary to breathing as the inhalations of your success. So you breathe out just as much as you breathe in. Your story never ends in a quicksand of suffocating failure. But big dreamers, I get that you aren't always so strong to remember this. So if today you are looking in your mirror, and your failures are staring back at you and they are making you very sad, you are the reason why I am writing today.
As I climbed into bed last night, I welcomed my failure under the covers with me. I held her in my arms, closed my eyes and I listened to her. Emily, as a failure.
"Tell me everything," I said. She gave me evidence after evidence of herself.
"Tell me even more," I said.
She did, and she started to cry.
"You are really sad and hurt," I said. She nodded.
"And you're angry. You're angry at the faith and magic that has produced nothing. It feels like faith has betrayed you. You constantly give everything you have, and you won't let yourself live any other way. You still believe in magic, after all these years." She hid her face. I continued,
"But you are angry. All those signs that led you along the way. All the time, money, energy, and faith, you still have failed to fulfill your dreams." I placed my hands on my heart. It was hurting.
"I love you, failure," I said, "I embrace you. I won't try to change you or make anything better. You can just lay here with me tonight." My heart opened wider. I felt rest. I asked,
"Do you still want dreams 1, 2 and 3?" I felt the deep-rooted YES. On the surface, I felt wounded to think about them. My eyes felt tired, my body felt limp.
"Ok," I said, "Then I guess we're not done yet. I am committed to go the distance, but only when we're ready. Here's the vision. This bitterness will transmute fully into love. Failure will transform fully into success. It's not over until we win. But, let's rest for now."
Big dreamers, I would ask you to be kind to the failures living inside you. Give yourself permission to embrace them and pull them closer. If you dream big, you must let yourself fail as many times as needed for you to succeed. Create a healthy, sustainable, nurturing relationship with yourself as a failure. Love your failure like a toddling child, like an untrained puppy. Failure embodies the keys for your greatest joy.
It's my birthday on Monday. I have failed to uphold a seven year plan that I created for myself seven years ago. I tried, but my life looks nothing like that plan. I am relieved to not try to hide from that truth. It's just... true. Failure ripples from some good core places in my life. Now that that's acknowledged, I'd like to explore where all those ripples are coming from. What is the source of all this failure?
Look there, in that body of water. It's a most magnificent sight. There I am, flapping, kicking, splashing, making waves and lots of chaos.... I am learning to swim in bigger waters now, and the ripples are making a mess of everything. Every day that I don't give up, I am accomplishing things that I didn't even dream of writing in that original seven year plan.
So...I'm inviting everyone to my birthday party. All my successes, my deep exhaustion, my relentless faith. Everyone gets an ice cream cone. Everyone gets to be cozy under the covers.
I'll save the softest pillows for failures.
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