It was a very hard night.
This morning, the sun rose, people are walking the sidewalks, and the cars are driving by. This morning, what I really wanted is just...gone. The clarity I felt, the time, energy and money I invested are all gone.
Today I am wounded, hurt, and confused. For anyone who has ever pursued a dream that was taken away, which includes everyone under the sun, I am writing to you, and with you. I want to share a few of my tools that I use when I'm in this place.
- I give up. And I say the words aloud, clearly and with resolution. "I give up." After all the trying, all the investment, all the faith, the decisions, the figuring out of plans, I just have nothing else I can do. So my part is done. A more new age-y approach would be to say "I surrender..." Yes, I could say that, and it's certainly the same thing. If that phrase feels better to you, please use it, as it holds a very high vibration. But when I'm in a really hard place, it sometimes feels good to me to have a little bit of attitude with the Universe. He/She/They created me, so they can handle me fully. We two are co-creating this whole life thing, we're in this for the long haul together as a team, and so I'm only interested in having a real and authentic relationship. I won't give up forever, but I most definitely give up for as long as I need to. Sometimes it's just for the day, but sometimes it's longer. My reality is that many days that I have declared I have given up have turned out to be the times where the power of the Universe then whispers a bigger, brighter and more brilliant plan into my ear. Sigh. Sometimes I'm just not ready to hear it, and I act like a child in a tantrum. But I certainly remember the whispers, and the new expanded vision intrigues me. I start to slowly feel quiet waves of gratitude that the Universe really does have my back, and when I'm ready, I seek out its divine direction toward the new horizon.
- I feel it. I feel the disappointment, the sadness, the confusion, the anger. All the way through. It's natural to want to drown the pain, displace it, avoid it, find things to make me forget it. Oh doesn't this sound so un-fun...it's so uncomfortable to feel it. And I take breaks for sure. I use movies to escape, food treats, and venting to friends. I utilized all three last night. Truthfully though, and we know this...there's just no way out but through. When I'm ready to let myself go through the worst of it, breathing deep and crying hard really work for me. Breathing and crying are both natural de-toxifiers, and my compassionate body is equipped with these two tools, ready to be my friend and help me get rid of it all and get to the other side, one tear and exhale at a time. (I have a special note for those who have ever been told that crying is not ok: Thank the person who taught you this, know that he/she was just doing the best they can to give you a life tool in helping you cope with hard things, and now give yourself a new message. If you need it to come from someone besides yourself, here it is. You are reading my words on purpose today. You have permission to cry.)
- I create. Everything is energy. These feelings I feel today will sit in me like dense, stagnant water all day if I decide to let them. Nothing is wrong with that, and I just might let them. But maybe I'll do some small things today, though, that move them. Even writing this blog entry is a creation process that shifts them a bit. I might take a walk, I might make breakfast, I might stretch. Every choice toward choosing life brings more life in. With this big plunge into disappointment, I'm not looking to smile with my full smile today. But little shifts to the left and to the right will help me spiral back up at my own pace, with lots of compassion for myself and my process.
- I remember. Eventually, I remember. I have glimpses start to arise and they remind of who I am. I have a few mantras that have become "Emily Potter" standards. They are easy ones for cynics to roll their eyes at when things are hard, but my truth is that they are foundational principles of who I really am, and who I will continue to be. Two that really work for me are: "How is this the BEST?" and "The game just isn't over until I win."
I share my truth with you, so that you know you are important to me. My passion in life is the pursuit of dreams, mine and yours. Whether we're in the place of flying or limping toward what we want, crying tears of joy or heartbreak, watching the sun rise or set... dearest tribe, all humanity, and global family... we're in this together.
