A friend of mine committed suicide on Friday.
Hmm...
My reactions have been carnival-like in nature, with lots of variation, exclamation and colors.
The therapist in me is doing all sorts of self-analyzing. Is it ok when I laugh at her for this?
I went to a beautiful prayer ceremony for her last night and talked with her parents. Her mom hugged me and quite emotionally told me that I made a huge difference in her life. That made me cry.
The presenter of the ceremony said all sorts of clique' statements that actually, very truly made me feel better, such as "She's in a better place." Yes!There's a reason people say that, although none of us have a clue where she is. (Please don't take this as an invitation to explain your belief system...a belief system is based on faith. I'm all about it, but none of us have gone through it yet.) And really, it just doesn't matter. In my belief system, she's somewhere "better."
So I'm crying and laughing.
I'm conflicted with all my feelings...
I feel contemplative about my role...what could I have done to prevent it?
I feel jealous that she doesn't have to do life anymore.
I feel proud of her for doing something so hard and courageous.
I feel she's ridiculous in taking the easy way out. My brother said the perfect thing to help me with this one: "But she still needs to learn all the things we have to learn...this isn't a free ticket..."
I feel love for her.
I feel a silence, a nothingness where once there was a something of real value.
I feel that I want to know more about the value that was in her that now is gone.
I feel that I want to know what she could have and would have accomplished if she stuck this life thing out.
I feel contemplative about my own life and what I'm accomplishing, and its value.
I feel the reality that the line between death and life is quite threadbare.
I feel confused why she didn't write a note. (that I know of.)
I feel annoyed with her for being selfish and making her mom find her that way.
I feel like she's thoughtless for making a choice that causes so much pain and trauma for those she left behind.
I feel sad for her fiancee' who just found out yesterday. (He's the one who will need some good energy and prayers.)
I feel like it's not as much of a tragedy as it might seem...it's just an unexpected adventure she decided to take. Death is not scary, or awful. It's just an unknown.
I feel that people will think I'm insensitive to think that thought.
And most of all, I feel that it's fascinating that we actually have the choice to leave this life at any moment. And so far, for some reason, you and I have continued to choose to live.
That makes me think long and hard.
So Death, you mysterious punk... you got another good one. And to my friend, I'm sorry I didn't know you were in such pain. I totally get it, though. You did what you felt you had to do, and I honor you.
I'm glad you are in a better place.
6 comments:
i really "get" the seemingly contradictory emotions you expressed and thank you for expressing them. losing someone like this is one of my biggest fears.
Thank you for sharing. Its interesting how we can experience such contradictory feelings all at the same time. Im sorry for our loss and for the loss her family is experiencing. Although she is in a better place there will definatly be a void where her presence once was.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Who died? I ask because I missed that and don't exactly agree that she is in a better place. I have reasons that I can explain that come from my own personal experiences that make me believe that she is not in a better place. I'm not going to go into those details here, but you have my email, you can email me and I will explain why I say what I do.
In this case I mourn your loss, and her loss. I've lived through suicidal thoughts and times when I honestly thought that I'd rather be dead than go through what I was going through, and so I don't discount what brought her to where she was. I do mourn the fact that she chose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Every other problem in life is something one can live through and come through a stronger person, except for being successful at committing suicide.
May the answers come with understanding.
Whoah, I just caught up with your blog and saw this a week after the fact. How are you doing now? I love that you posted all the conflicting feelings. Very strange, the effect death has on the still living.
Beautiful thoughts Emily. Tough on many levels. But beautiful and painful all the same.
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