Dear Lovers,
I learned things about love. Many of these lessons came from you. What I heard you say this month will be generously quoted today.
"Love is not to be possessed or to be possessive."
"Love is not to be possessed or to be possessive."
"I wish I had spent less time worrying about what to DO with my love, and spent more time simply enjoying its powerful connection."
I'm in love. I'm in love about 1,000 times a day with about 1,000 moments.
"Waking up is so funny."
"Gingerbread."
"Gingerbread."
"Emily, your home put me in the Christmas spirit."
I have all the signs of in loveness. But I truly thought that the intense feeling of being in love was only possible when dependent on another human being.
"I just wish I had someone to snuggle with."
"There is no joy in the holidays for me. I'm alone."
But being in love is not dependent on anyone. I know that you have your own language. You might choose to use another phrase besides "being in love" to describe these same sentiments, since that phrase denotes romance between two people. I choose the phrase deliberately for one main reason. I met with lots of friends this month and our initial greetings went like this:
Friend: "How are you?"
Me: (unable to express, suppress or digress my joy) "I'm great. I'm really happy." (frustrated, because that just didn't do it...)
Friend: "That's great. So why so happy?"
Me: (ok, I'm just going to say it...) "I'm in love."
Friend: (eyes get big and he/she sits down to hear more...) "Wow! Who is he?"
Me: (sighing in relief. Yes, that phrase pretty much covers it. Phew. It's powerful enough...) "Nobody...isn't that amazing?"
The phrase is big enough, powerful enough. And I hereby expand its meaning to include more than romantic relationships.
Somehow our culture has adopted and actually embraced the phenomenon of self-deprecation. People think it's synonymous with humility.
Jan: "My husband is considered the best doctor at the hospital."
Matt: "No, honey, I'm really not that good."
Me: "Matt, are you just trying to be humble?"
Matt: (Pause) "Yes, I'm just being humble."
I suppose there's a place for self-deprecation, but I have no idea where. I call it false humility, and I'm in shock how many people will buy the cheap substitute. My definition of real, genuine humility is to love oneself fully, to the extent that you know you are no better than anyone else. When you are humble, you feel honored to serve others because you can see the god and goddess in others, and WANT to serve them. Do you read about Jesus going around saying, "No, I'm really not that great." He is considered one of the most humble individuals in human history, and his message was "I'm the greatest. I'm seriously Awesome."
"I am in love with me."
Would you be able to say that sentence without apology? I have to confess, the cream of the crop people in my life are the ones who will allow me the privilege to love myself unabashedly, without slouching my shoulders in shame. I celebrate the same in them.
"I only spend time with people who are the cream of the crop. I give everyone a chance to be that cream, and then allow them the choice to stick around, or edit themselves out of my life."
My friend told me this a few weeks ago, and I've thought about it every day since. You could argue that there's something a bit snobby in it. I am extremely sensitive to the idea of snobbery. It's like taking my definition of humility (see above) and forgetting the second part of it. I'd love to hear your thoughts about this idea of cream of the crop. Do you agree or disagree with it?
Before I took my blog break, I proclaimed love for the whole world every day of my life without exception or discrimination. It wasn't a lie, but I have changed. I don't love everyone anymore.
"Emily, you don't have to be light for everyone."
I thank the friend who told me this. I thought I did. I have this problem sometimes when the overall vision of where I'm going is stronger than who I really am in the present moment.
"The chasm between where you are and where you want to be is what hurts the most."
So allow me my honesty. And know that I am trying to live up to my vision. Oh yeah, as of this month, I'm a new person when it comes to honesty too. Where before I would take blunt, death-defying honesty at any cost, I would now much rather have simple kindness. Honest kindness.
"I am in love with me."
Would you be able to say that sentence without apology? I have to confess, the cream of the crop people in my life are the ones who will allow me the privilege to love myself unabashedly, without slouching my shoulders in shame. I celebrate the same in them.
"I only spend time with people who are the cream of the crop. I give everyone a chance to be that cream, and then allow them the choice to stick around, or edit themselves out of my life."
My friend told me this a few weeks ago, and I've thought about it every day since. You could argue that there's something a bit snobby in it. I am extremely sensitive to the idea of snobbery. It's like taking my definition of humility (see above) and forgetting the second part of it. I'd love to hear your thoughts about this idea of cream of the crop. Do you agree or disagree with it?
Before I took my blog break, I proclaimed love for the whole world every day of my life without exception or discrimination. It wasn't a lie, but I have changed. I don't love everyone anymore.
"Emily, you don't have to be light for everyone."
I thank the friend who told me this. I thought I did. I have this problem sometimes when the overall vision of where I'm going is stronger than who I really am in the present moment.
"The chasm between where you are and where you want to be is what hurts the most."
So allow me my honesty. And know that I am trying to live up to my vision. Oh yeah, as of this month, I'm a new person when it comes to honesty too. Where before I would take blunt, death-defying honesty at any cost, I would now much rather have simple kindness. Honest kindness.
"Shall I tell you what I really think?"
"Yes, please do, but please use soft words.""Cause getting older I've learned that growing up means learning to be kind."
So, what does it feel like for me to be in love?
Well, the most used word in my vocabulary this month was "la". To an embarrassing degree sometimes, as I would get caught mid "la" at work, at home, at play.
Well, the most used word in my vocabulary this month was "la". To an embarrassing degree sometimes, as I would get caught mid "la" at work, at home, at play.
"La la la la! La la la la!"
I heard a lot of la's from you as well. And some not so la's. Some of you are in the hospital, some of you are dumpster-diving in the university's art department, you are meeting me amongst Christmas Eve magic, you are sending flowers to a girl across the ocean...
"I'm tired, drained and overwhelmed..."
"He was so cute, how he wanted me to take pictures of him in that dumpster."
"It was the most magical Christmas Eve I think I've ever had."
"It's gets very hard to send flowers to the US via internet if you're not in the US."
"Is there really even a God at all?"
"Loving her is like a warm, comforting fear."
For the time being, I've decided to keep my blog public. I can't claim to love you with that same global fuzzy cloud anymore. What I'm doing instead is celebrating you loving yourself without a lick of apology.
Like everything else, there's an overall vision of what's going on here on these blogs. It's more expansive than our blog addresses. It's more entertaining than youtube clips. It's more beautiful than you standing alone.
You and I are here because we believe in the power of one word, creating one thought, creating one decision, creating one possibility.
Come along with me. Let's see what happens next.
Emily
10 comments:
Love? I long to have it and trust it in place of what I have now, which is something that drives me to desperation with the need of it. Those I love the most, I fear just as much because they are the only ones that can truly hurt me. They are the ones that have more control in my life than I like anyone to have in my life and happiness. I've honestly tried to give up on love or anything social outside my three kids and my immediate family because I'm tired of hanging on a thread of hope for anything outside of that, but I can't seem to quit; something or someone always keeps pulling me back for what I would like to say is more punishment. Those that seem to mean the most to me that are not directly related to me end up being driven away by my desperate need that seems to show through everything else I do in those areas. I'm glad that you are in love. Being in that kind of love is wonderful. I wish you an eternity of that kind of stuff because it is great. I keep praying that I will have that heavenly feeling again, but admit that with my current trust and outlook on love, I can't say that I will ever abandon myself to that feeling. I've learned too much fear of that four letter word because it makes me weak and allows the world to revolve around the person that is the focus of that love that is not likely to be returned if I express it in all of its honest, desperate need, thus putting me farther out than I am already.
I admit right now that my posting has already put me farther out of the orbit I was in. Oh well. Nothing more I can do. It was driving me crazy as it is anyways, so I'd rather be crazy than addicted to that wonderful feeling of being loved or being in love because at least then I wouldn't have any fear or needs or pain anymore and would be able to satisfy all of my own needs and not be dependent on anyone.
May the new year be pleasant for you and may you live high on being in love and loving life.
Sincerely
Cream of the crop: Most everyone has a different "crop" they prefer, don't they? I guess it's a matter of finding out which is the cream of yours. I believe in surrounding yourself with it, yes. But I also know that life is more complicated, love is more complicated...
I think part of me, in growing up, has forgotten what it's like to love and not let other distractions interfere. Suddenly, little things don't count as much. In regards to my current situation (i.e., hospitalization), I've realized just HOW MUCH LOVE I have and how much I want to give and how frustrating it is to not be able to express it. I know that "I'm in love" is enough phrase to cover it for you for now, but it's not for me! I can't just tell you that I love James; that just doesn't cut it.
And there are so many different types of love. In relation to humility, I think a person is humble when he/she can ignore the faults in a person and love the "cream" that's there. Everybody's got some. And everybody's got to realize that they aren't perfect, either. You've just got to be thankful that someone else out there realizes that about you as well.
Also, humility is when you're thankful for sponge baths.
I
LOVE
YOU!
I wonder about the idea of surrounding yourself with the cream of the crop. I find myself being a perpetual paradox- the most social loner I know of. My method of sorting out the cream of the crop for my group is simply those that find themselves close to me. I will admit that it may seem a bit strange, but there aren't that many that seem to get that close to me in the first place due to a variety of reasons. These days I wonder if I even should worry any more about traveling in your orbit. I may need to talk to you about it if I ever get the courage or opportunity to do so. I believe that you already know who I am. I have been known as Anonymous and Jonpaup when posting in the past and you know how to get in touch with me if you want to.
If it ends up where I'm no longer among the cream of the crop for you and your group, I'm fine with that and wish you well in your life. I may have recieved the wrong signals, or misread the signals.
Have a Happy New year.
It is interesting to me that you decided to blog about love, only because it is something I have been really thinking about.
I read a while ago that you can't truly love somebody unless you truly love yourself. That statement has caused me a lot of turmoil. Could it be that I have never loved any person? I have always thought of myself as somebody who loves.
However if that statement is true then I am not as loving as I had believed. Love is such a powerful thing. It causes you to be the most vulnerable and I know I haven't loved myself the way I should because I am not trustworthy with the type of people I let be a part of my life. If I was "in love" with myself I would only be with "the cream of the crop."
I know it is my fault because I have never voiced what it is I need from a relationship or really asked what was needed from me. I have always just tried to give and it has never mattered how I was treated in the end. I have come to the conclusion that I need to take a stand and set boundaries with those around me. This will allow me to be a better person , allow them to make the choice to be better, and create a feeling of safety. If they choose to not be a part of my life, I know it will hurt, but in the end it will be for the better.
So I believe that love is a life long process. And to answer my earlier question about whether or not I have loved....I have loved to the best of my ability and will continue to do so.
I have missed reading your beautiful words!
About boundaries, about two months ago I had a stranger ask me to be his sponsor. (He felt a connection with me after a beautiful conversation we had, and he came back the next day to ask.) He explained his shady past to me in details, with a sincere plea on his face for help.
The kind person in me wanted to automatically yell "YES! Of course I'll sponsor you!" But I told him no, and I explained my reasons why. He was disappointed. But SINCE then... wow...we've established a safe friendship where we both feel an equal exchange. He even admitted once recently that his plea was on the side of manipulative, and the fact that I wouldn't stand for it put him into a healthy check...where he's been ever since.
I truly believe it's morally wrong to serve someone's needs when it violates your own self. Naturally, there are a thousand exceptions to this belief. There are also a thousand exceptions to those exceptions. And thus, everyone will find their own boundaries.
Interesting experience. I went through something where somone professed unconditional love and to pay me back if I would simply send some money out of the country. After having a bad gut feeling aobut it... I turned the person down and was told to die quickly... Sad thing for me was the fact that I was most disturbed by the offer of unconditional love... Not the instruction to die quickly.
May love be true for you and the rest of your readers. :)
Glad to see you are back blogging. :)
mmmm... cream of the crop, eh? I believe in being choosy about who you really spend time with and open yourself to, but I believe that shutting the more struggling folks out violates something. It's like money -- if I'm blessed enough to be the cream, then I should share that light with those who need it most. Always a struggle, of course, to find the proper line, but I do think some sacrifice is necessary. In fact, I think without the sacrifice, we'd be kidding ourselves to claim to be the cream. That IS pure snobbery.
I think the key, as your friend said, is that people "edit themselves out." I personally think this is how this life and the eternities work. People choose who to be around, and they are most comfortable with people who live their same standards. I don't personally believe in locked gates between "levels of heaven." I think we'll all just choose to hang out with those who are like us.
Welcome back, I have missed your words...words put in and emily-arrangement that make me think things in different forms from what I have thought them before.
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