Dear Stalkers, Voyeurs, Quick Check-in Friends, and People who found this blog through Google and who don't make comments so you don't think I know you're here,
Greetings.
I'd like to try something with you. You have your reasons for coming here, and I have thus far welcomed you whole-heartedly. But from your hidden places, you have made yourself difficult to connect with, and that has recently become a bit too hard for me to take.
My philosophy on vulnerability has changed slightly, and you have been one catalyst for the change. I'm torn between being that one girl who has arms wide open to the whole world... and just being Emily, who has a deep and sincere desire to connect soul to soul. Arms-wide-open girl loves you deeply, believes in you, wants nothing more than to welcome you here! But me...self...soul...I... need you to welcome me like that too. And I want the freedom to accept or reject you, as you do with me. I don't feel safe here on my own blog anymore. And because of where I am in my life right now, by no fault of your own, your presence here is hurting me too much.
So I am thinking of "privatizing" this blog. I'm not set on it. I keep going back and forth. Maybe I'll do it for a while as an experiment. In the meantime, I'd like to be invited to your blog, your life, your world. That's what a dear friend of mine once called an equal exchange.
You have your reasons for being a voyeur, I understand. It's time to stop. I love you. I'm helping you learn how to love me too.
-Emily
28 comments:
I have no problem with you privatizing your blog so long as you don't lock me out. You have reached me through the soul and leave me just as torn. You are a wonderful person, even if at times I'm tempted to run for fear of you rejecting me. I also hope that you aren't privatizing this blog because of me, now that you know who I am.
do what you need to do...and what lets you breathe in fresh air without your muscles tightening up...
I too would be asd if I was locked out of your blog. I have not shareed a lot of myself for fear of rejection and for fear that what I may have to say may not be worth reading. You continue to inspire me and I hope not to lose you. I would like to introduce myself to you now, Emily my name is Julie.
I am honored to be one of those people who have a blog and who are blessed to be left comments by you. Viva Emily!
*Sigh*
Wow.
I came here to delete this post, and then to privatize it without announcement.
I guess it won't happen today.
Julie and Jonathan, why don't you tell us something about you. What's a highlight from your week thus far?
Besides writing letters I'll never send (can't guarantee that they won't hit the fire by the weekend)and enduring frustrations at work and the wonderful feeling of inadequacy in my attempt to be a good parent to my kids, I don't have much to say. I'm finding that the Capital One account that I'm taking calls for (tech support for thier employees, not cold calling or customer service for them) is proving to be painfully mind numbing and frustrating. I never really wanted to take these calls in the first place, but it looks like I'm doomed to take them untill training starts for the job that my employer has been hanging in front of my nose for the past two months. So besides that, there is nothing to report that you don't already know. By the way, thanks for the help today. Any time I feel you near is a good day.
I'm sorry that you've been frustrated recently and it appears that you've been a bit discouraged as well. I often get into the same pit, so don't feel bad if you need to vent. I'll listen as I have been for months whether you realized it or not. Also I find it helpful to remember that Heavenly Father also understands if you need to vent, he tends to send the blessings needed when needed. May you dream sweet dreams and have joy infused into your life. or life infused into your soul, or whatever.
Remember you are an amazing woman and have many people watching out for you and wishing you everything your heart desires.
May you have sweet dreams, no matter what time of day it is :) and may the burdens of life be a little bit easier.
P.s. If you don't want me to comment any more, give me a hint and I'll leave you alone. That or make it private and don't send me the password. Either way and I'll get the clue.
Am I correct in seeing the parallel between this and our no spectator rule for performance art nights? I remember how we agonized about that. “Everyone MUST perform!”
I love it that you're calling people out; it is one of your greatest love talents. Inviting people to be vulnerable is a form of true love. The result of an invitation to step into authenticity with another person is a bond that is often everlasting. I remember the many times you called me out Emily and how exhilarated I was with the result. I probably wouldn't be doing the work I do now if you hadn't invited me to overcome my fears and come to work with you. You taught me to stop worrying about doing things right and questioning whether I was qualified. You told me to listen to my heart and that has changed me forever.
Do what you need to do for your safety, but please continue to invite people to be vulnerable. You have directly and indirectly touched countless lives through such invitations. You are truly a whirlwind of catalytic energy.
Lets see the highlight of my week was looking into the eyes of an adorable little boy telling me he was a miracle. It made me step back and realize that he was right we are all miracles. I find myself caught up in life and forgetting to look for and allow myself to be part of miracles. II know this is probably cheesy but this was my highlight.
My name is Sara. I don't think you know who I am, but I know of you and happened upon your blog from Tamara's. I've since bookmarked your blog and check it regularly along with a few others.
I'll admit, I enjoy being a voyeur, especially into the lives of those you can be vulnerable and open with their lives. I enjoy reading yours to hear of the magic in your life. I love hearing of how you expect fabulous things to happen for yourself and for others and you go and make/allow those things to happen. It's inspiring. Thank you for your blog.
But I understand, along with others, that you of course need to do what's right for you. Good luck.
i've been thinking of going into the shadows too. or maybe just starting another private blog just for me. writing is an outlet for me. it's not always a representation of how i feel, but it often allows me to get the crap out. and then somehow it feels gone.
but i know how you feel! the many anonymous comments on my blog sometimes make me wonder who is reading. and the vulnerable side fears what people think when they read. Yowza!
Let me know what you decide. We can always reach you via email or (gasp) by the tel-e-phone...
I'm here. I deserve it.
Then again, I'm somewhat entitled.
Gee Em, It's neat when one actually discovers an individual they touched in some way without even knowing it. Gosh, imagine how many others might secretly love you and feel uplifted by your life- strangers even!
I guess that makes you a star of sorts. Or a moon.
but its definately okay to choose an audience for certain material.
You are a good experimenter :)
"I guess that makes you a star of sorts. Or a moon."
*laughing*
Hello, Sara. Thanks for introducing yourself. I really appreciate it.
Funny. It's an endless debate, isn't it? How much to let people in?
I find myself having the opposite question. I have a "sterilized" family blog, which has cancer updates and pictures of Seville, stuff like that. Literally hundreds of people check it. I have my personal experimental writing blog, which is mostly just friends and some randoms, but it's far more interesting, I think.
I'm wondering if the family blog will be too boring without the cancer stuff, and whether I should just go public with my private writings. I hate to leave those "hundreds of people" with nothing interesting to read, not to mention the squandering of a valuable audience (is this the musician in me who can't stand to let them go?)
I probably won't completely merge the two, but I suspect I'll shift a bit.
I'll be really interested to see what you decide. I have a prediction of what I think it will be, but I'll keep that to myself for now.
hi em.
i'm one who tries to read regularly but seldom comments. it goes like this... when i'm on the internet i check my mail & all my friends' blogs, & my heart goes out to all of you, & then my world here & now presses in around me, & all my cares & worries of now crowd out reciprocal interaction. like right now we are on our way to my sister's house, & i got online while waiting for forrest to come home. so he comes home & is ready to rush out the door (i called to hurry him home) & i say, wait, i have to finish reading these comments! & he says, okay, i'm waiting in the car... and so normally this is where i shut the computer with this horrible feeling of suffocation, & run on the the next thing in my life. but of course i can't do that this time, because if i don't say something, if WE don't say something, you'll be gone! and that just makes me cry. and it makes me cry that you've needed this interaction & been without it, just putting yourself out there over & over & over so generously, to so many, with so little in return.
i also feel this dread of having to comment all the time on every blog i check, plus my family's website, let alone replying to emails, which i'm terrible at, too! it's overwhelming.
all that said, you can check my blog now & then again because we do have internet at home now, so i'm making an effort to maintain it.
there's so much more i have to say & think about this, but i am going to go now. (another reason why i don't comment, it always seems SO insufficient & so far from the thoughts & feelings i'm trying to express. & it takes me a long time to put my thoughts & feelings to words.)
I'm not really a voyeur; I just come once in a while when we're both too busy to talk. I dare you to try to block me out of anything... I will always find you, horse of the day.
haven't seen you for a long time, but it's nice to catch up with you via technology.
Hope all is well..
Micah
http://lintchronicles.blogspot.com
hi emily. i read. i love. sometimes the pressure to write something thoughtful makes me shier about commenting. Most days I'm not thoughtful...hence the neglect of my own blog. But I like reading YOU.
yr friend,
KaRyn
hi emily,
you stayed at my house once in new jersey and we took a lovely little mini-road trip (in case you don't know who this is) :) sometimes i look at your blog, and have almost commented but just haven't yet, not feeling poetic or inspired enough. but i have experienced the same frustration with blogger voyeurs. i don't even care if people i don't know are looking at it, it is the ones i do know, sort of, who look, but don't comment that give me such an uneasy feeling. so hello officially. you commented once on my blog, thanks and welcome anytime. and i really like your blog.
Hi Emily...I read your blog. I have been dear ones with Kelli since kindegarten. When I told her I was going to India (I went for May and June), she sent me the address of your blog. What you had to say about your journeys and Mother India (who I just fell in love with much like you did) were inspiring . Since then I've checked in with you as a sort of India sister from time to time. I admit I've never left a comment and acted as pure voyeur, but you inspire light to me. Do what you need to do for the privatization. I just thought I'd introduce myself since you seem to be feeling watched. I get that. Happy day...
Hello Emily! I don't know if you remember passing through Twin Falls one night, and meeting ben heiner and his girlfriend. I'm sure you remember that I refused to play a song for you and Lumina. I hope you understand that was a very awkward situation for me, and I was also nervous.
Anyway, I started reading Ben's blog when he went to Taiwan, and through his I found Lumina's and then yours. I find you and Lumina to be very interesting people, so I've continued to read your blogs.
I'm sorry if have been intruding!
I understand if you choose to privatize.
If you want to check our my blog, its www.suramerica2.wordpress.com
I have been traveling through Central and South America for the past 3 months. Right now I am in Buenos Aires.Anyways, it has been cool reading your blog thus far, I have not commented since we only met in a brief strange encounter.
I cut my dreads also! It was sad at first, especially since I did it to placate my parents. I did feel light and free afterwards. I might dread them up again one of these days, as I loved having them. It was a good change though.
This is cool em. Everyone's piping up. It's great.
I am a voyeur of sorts. I've made maybe three comments since I've read this space. I'm constantly intrigued for one reason or another, so I keep coming back. And, if I'm shut out next time I try to, I think I'll understand (given the explanation). Thanks for always being more open than most.
stay!i just barely found you through the link of friend of a friend...
i relate to your feelings of vulnerability and i edit way too much, but i would be less likely to if i knew more people like you...
byw--i love that group spirituality blog and wish for a renaissance.
so there--one more voyeur exposed.
I have to say, I agree with kaarina and claim that while I am not a regular comment-er, I AM indeed a regular blog-reader (sorry for the lack of comments...). And while I know the concerns that come along with sharing your soul with the world (including those random strangers we're not sure if we want to let in), I can't read this blog without stopping to tell you that you and all that you are have many times been my inspiration and motivation during a challenging experience here in Cape Verde. I can't count the number of times I have questioned life and my capabilities and remembered your voice, remembered singing with you, remembered that maybe it's worth it and I am worth it.
There can be abstract and concrete gains from letting people benefit from your life, but it is YOUR life, and you have the right to decide how you want to protect yourself from its misinterpretation.
Sometimes I wonder how people's ideas of who I am shift as they read my words, but then I realize that if I didn't write them, no one would know how I am changing, feeling, growing, and I would wake up a stranger one day. I guess I need that validation.
I am not a voyeur. At least not on your blog. I am simply dear friends with dear Tamara D. who apparently is dear friends with you. And I happened to have been lucky enough to serve in Pskov after you and to see this very fabulous picture of you twirling in a field somewhere near Galya and Lena's place. Sigh. How are you? (do you remember me?)
-Corina Thompson
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