You aren't here. Are any of you tired of being blogging friends? I am. At least right now I am. I'm tired of the consistent, constant "absence" of you. I'm tired of being Post and you being Comment.
Sigh. It's ok.
I struggle everytime I move. I'm struggling here lately. Lumina told me I put up a good front in front of you all. Yes, my whole being is quite contained on your computer screen. And like everything, these feelings that you aren't seeing but are reading like scholars are an experiment.
But I crave community. And it takes a while to build a community.
I crave connection. It takes time to build connections.
I crave good listening friends. It takes time to build friendships.
I've been here for five months. But three of those months I sat in shock, so they don't count. Shocked, from the reasons why I came home a year and a half early from India. Shocked that I didn't follow through with what I said I would. Feeling like a failure, but at the same time finding the positive in my new life here. Feeling restless in not knowing why, by the strangest humor of the universe, I'm here.
And you aren't here. My community, my circle of women, and my truest confidantes are inscripted codes of letters and numbers. I was more ok with this while I was in Montana, Korea and India. But this move is different... (oh man, my heart just dropped. Insert many feelings without words here. )
I have found myself systematically closing off to all of my technologically-dependent soul mates. By no fault of your own, your pretty curvy numbers and manly capital letters just aren't enough. And I feel angry that you aren't here. Isn't that absurd? Why aren't you here when I need you?"
Four days later...
I wrote that entry and then just sat with it. I waited to see where this thought was streaming from, and where it was going. I still don't really know. But I did get some incredible answers about an hour after I wrote it.
I met Gloria, a reiki master who blazed light into me. The experience was so sacred that I find myself stepping lightly... even now my fingers on the keyboard are tapping slowly and carefully.
I am attracted to light.
I attract light.
I am surrounded by beings of light.
My purpose on earth is to do, see, feel, be light.
The moon works better than phone calls and emails. I'm all for technology. But when I'm gone, I don't want my best friends to have to get out their Emily email files. I want them to close their eyes and feel light connecting to light.
Moving is hard. I'm officially in what they call "having a hard time." I believe it's going to continue to be a strange, delightful, dizzy journey.
