Do you currently hate someone?
I do.
And I'm wondering if I'm alone.
I'm also curious what kind of responses I'll get if I ask you for help. Will you lecture me on the power of forgiveness? Will you give me empathy and soothing? Will you ask to know more? Will you walk away from my blog thinking less of me? Will you pat yourself on the back for being better than me because you love everyone? Will you be safe and not respond at all?
Well, this is real and it's ugly. Anyone out there want to do real and ugly today?
31 comments:
i love real and ugly.
and i love you.
the rest of the world and loving it? i'm not always so sure about that. i don't always love everyone... i don't think anyone does.
- jennie
It's the people who claim they love everyone that disgust me. To me, that's a cop-out.
I'm glad you hate someone, and that you admit that. Hating someone isn't the opposite of loving them. It means you care enough about that person to have an opinion of them--and a strong one, at that.
Hate away, Em!
Everyone wants to know who you hate! I think I know....! ^^ that makes me feel like your best friend!
Coming from you, a person I've only witness exude nothing but love, admitting that you hate someone makes me admire you. Not for hating - I do not admire hate - but for admitting to this virtual public world your hate, for asking to be lectured.
I don't know why, but I don't really understand hate. I admit there are certainly people who disgust me. And there are people I don't know well who's actions constantly disgust me (i.e. George Bush), but all out hate is something I don't understand. Perhaps it's because I haven't been hurt enough. Perhaps it's because I forgive too easily. I don't know.
Lack of forgiveness can have huge, long term consequences. I don't know my own grandfather, soon to be my only living grandparent, due to my mother's inability to forgive him for leaving his family and being a "dead-beat" dad. I don't know my cousins for nearly the same reasons.
Lack of forgiveness can have mild consequences. There are nights I can't go dancing because I can't forgive a certain singer in a dance band for being so crude and rude.
If the person you hate has broken your heart, I hope you can find new healing. Or, if they've hurt you personally in some other way, I hope you can smother that hurt enough to forget it most of the time.
For me, however, it's hardest when you're angry at someone for hurting someone else you love. I don't know how to get over that, but I can promise that revenge is never the right answer, as much as some people may think so.
Is that enough of a fluffy, say-nothing lecture?
"I hope you can smother that hurt enough to forget it most of the time."
Yes, I see with this comment that you get it, Amber.
And I definitely know the life of smothering. And then the hate erupts, and I realize that I have to deal with it in a better way than smothering. That's why I made this all public. I really want help.
And yes you're right, Stargirl, I do care about the someone I hate. I do not claim indifference.
I also know that the hate will leave my heart eventually, because it doesn't belong with my true self. I feel it breaking from the roots with every honest step forward I take.
Well... I think we're just conditioned a little to abhor the word "hate"... makes us think of brutal racism or Hitler or what have you (and yes, I Godwin'ed this thread right there) But the more I think about it, I believe in balance or opposition in all things... if we can love, we can hate, and I think it's naive to think that it's wrong to deny the existance of part of what is our nature. There are plenty of people I despise, and some I downright loathe... there are even some that I wish for bad things to happen to. So why not? Embrace it honestly, like you do so many other things in your life.
You're right Em, I didn't take this as seriously as you meant it, I didn't realize you are so serious about it. I think I know something about engaging in discourse with scary parts of ourselves...parts that we really really really really wish were not part of us, but which are demanding acknowledgement...and I know that it is terrifying. i remember an episode of that in Portland when I began to cry uncontrollably and couldn't stop, it felt like a nervous breakdown. you stopped at the door as you were going out, and stayed beside me as I cried. It was the most amazing thing to me, that you were willing to be near me when I was utterly broken. I'll stand by you that way darling, I'm here to hear it all, every part of it. i love you exactly the way you are with all your love and all your hate. I love YOU x 1,000,000,000,000
can't wait to hear so much more.
Your marvelous friends have said most of what can be said. I won't digress.
Only to say that people who claim not to hate at one point in their being are either severely disillusioned or high. Or maybe partially emotionally dead or without anything in their lives important enough to elicit that emotion. Though we don't live in a perfect world, there are some things that can seek to balance each other out--i.e. love and hate. And aren't we all supposed to strive for balance?
I don't need to tell you what to do or how to feel, because you already know. There's nothing I can say to solve the situation, it's already within you. If you need comfort and encouragement, it's yours. If you need someone to say you're okay to hate (until the energy finds a better place to be channeled), you got it.
I hate sometimes too. There's this girl I work with...oooh!! And I'm learning not to be fake about it and let her think I am fine with her behavior, but it doesn't mean I've found a fabulous way to resolve the hatred-slash-anger.
I wrote a lot more than I intended. Sorry. I guess I digressed after all.
Don't let yourself be rushed to forgive at the detriment of exploring the root of the hatred and how your person deals with it. But don't let it change the person I know you are.
Interesting post, Emily!
I think there's a distinction between hate as an emotion and hate as an activity. An emotion can be observed and then let go off without any further consequences... to that extent, there is nothing good or bad about hating someone. It is just one more thing that arises and dies.
However, an activity will always have a further consequence. It's like the difference between standing next to a fire watching it burn itself out as compared to actively adding fuel to it.
Vinod
"Don't let yourself be rushed to forgive at the detriment of exploring the root of the hatred...But don't let it change the person I know you are."
This has definitely been my creed for quite a while, Island Dreamer. I've hated before, and I learned that the best remedy is time.
I like what you said, Vinod. What I've discovered is that hatred is an empty energy that fuels itself and continually craves more attention. I have drawn my line exactly how you have described. I want no "hate activity". Only emotion. Except that I have given energy to thoughts (and now this blog and discussion about it...) which are all activities. I guess the difference is that the final aim is to dissipate the negativity and replace it.
Lumina, Iron Chef, and everyone...You all may not realize it, but your comments are truly helping me. It's a slow road.
when I was in rehab, I learned (which so far helps me be more in tune to myself and my feelings and reactions) that anger, in this case hate, is not a true emotion. is it your TRUE emotion? sadness? dissappointment? irritation? envy? ???
It's been a LONG while but I stumbled across your blog from Tamara's to James's to here! I am glad! It's inspiring me to start my own.
Ross...remember from Portland!?
What you've said about the final aim being to dissipate the negativity and replacing it is so important... finally, intent is everything... for what we intend and act upon creates our future.
I'm with Ross. I wonder if what you're experiencing is actually hate or if it's a different emotion getting misnomered.
In other words, when you say "hate" do you really mean it?
Would you smash its skull and leave it bound, freezing and dying, to a lonely fence post while you go home to sleep easy and unaffected?
Would you rape its daughter with a blunt instrument just to study its suffering?
Would you humiliate it mercilessly and unceasingly in front of those it loves until it sees itself only through your loathing eyes?
Would you spit your last breath at it?
I don't mean to question the validity or diminish the intensity of your feelings. I just want to make sure we're all talking about the same thing here.
Oh, and in the mean time don't be fooled into believing that spending emotion on hate is significantly less detrimental to your soul than spending actions on it. Both of them destroy.
Hate can emcompass all sorts of emotions, of course. I think it's a good descriptor when you're experiencing more than one of those mentioned above (disappointment, frustration, anger, etc.). It's important to point out that hate doesn't come when you don't love something; hate happens when you love something, and it hurts you deeply. Admitting that hate is a) part of the healing, and b) giving acknowledgment that you have been deeply wounded/wronged by something you did love or still love. Hate is NOT the opposite of love. How many of you have loved and hated the same thing at the same time? I know I have. I would bet that you, Em, feel that right now. I am not concerned in the least that you will allow those "negative" emotions (which I think get a bad rap; they are agents of change) to consume you. I am confident that you will allow those emotions to be what they are--agents of change, things that allow you to grow and become a better person and to move on.
I'm proud of you for opening that door.
that's the whole point, stargirl. those are valid and healthy emotions to have...but they are not hate. those are passive emotions--I am disappointed...frustrated...angry. hate, on the other hand, is an active emotion. speaking grammatically, it's a verb that requires an object. you actively do it to someone or something else. that alone makes it more dangerous (and more of a choice) than those other emotions.
I guess we just have different definitions of "hate," and perhaps we have experienced it differently as well.
Either way, I still support Emily's acknowledgment of it.
Ryan,
No, I do not hate by your definition of smashing, raping and spitting. I would never want you to hate me!
"Don't be fooled into believing that spending emotion on hate is significantly less detrimental to your soul than spending actions on it. Both of them destroy."
Oh man, don't I know it. I'm not fooled. You guys wouldn't believe what an emotion scientist I've become. I've scrutinized my every thought's syllable in this realm, I've done experiments on cause and effect...
"How many of you have loved and hated the same thing at the same time?" You called it, Stargirl. You know me well.
To answer Ross...(since I taught in a rehab! and yes I remember you!) it is indescribable hurt and betrayal and sadness and loss and mistrust that is really there. I know... the word "hate" is the easy and ridiculous, and quite dangerous (as Ryan explained) way out, and an unintelligent cover up.
It's interesting to me though...that only a select few of you have actually answered the original question.
By your "own definition" do you currently feel these things you've defined? What are you doing about those feelings? Are you learning to smother them and go on with life? Are you penetrating the roots? Are you trusting that time will ease their strength?
Answer to question:
I do real and ugly every day. I think I'm up for it.
I've thought pretty hard about it, and I do not think I currently hate anyone. No, I will not pat myself of the back or think I'm better than anyone for it. There's no sense in that, now is there. Perhaps I'm too cold hearted too love deeply enough to hate. Perhaps I'm not passionate enough.
There are people I've loved deeply who have hurt me badly, and I've managed to forgive - but I have no idea how and therefore cannot advise on forgiveness, really. I think for REAL forgiveness to happen, all parties involved have to acknowledge the wrongdoing and either agree to move on, or WORK to improve, or both.
I cannot say my emotions for everyone are pure and loving, though. I guess I feel like I just don't have the time to focus on, think about, or deal with any negatives now... until there's a reason to deal with it. It sounds like you may currently have a reason to deal with the negativity. Good luck. You certainly do have a great support system here to process the feelings, which I know is usually the best vehicle for healing for me. I'm available should you ever need me for listening, talking or whatever.
Just catching up to this post. Fascinating.
I think I could say that I hate someone. Interestingly, it's someone who hurt not me, but my mother. I think my mother may have managed to forgive by now, I'm not sure. I certainly haven't and still wish all sorts of awful things on this person (this is hate as in hurt/anger, of course. If there's no hurt or anger I feel like it's more of an evil indifference than what I think of as "hate.")
I've been studying the concept of forgiveness a lot lately. Here are some thougths:
1. Forgiveness is for you, to free your spirit of negativity. Christ offers up himself and his suffering as a place to lay your pains at his feet, trust in his justice and his love, and move on.
2. Forgiveness is for them, so that they may be free to change and grow and repent without the burden of your poor expectations holding them back. Jesus loves them too, even if you do not.
3. Forgiveness is a commitment and a choice, not an emotional event. Jesus did not say to forgive when we are "over it." We have the choice and responsibility to forgive, regardless of the lingering pain. We commit to laying down the burden and letting it go. We have to work at it. Forgiveness is the path to getting "over it," not the other way around.
I'm glad you posted this. I think it may help me choose to make the commitment and forgive my own trespassor.
Skye nailed it for me. Forgiveness doesn't, and shouldn't, come after you've "gotten over it." Forgiving someone after you're okay with them is the easy way out.
I DO hate someone. I hate this person, but I have long ago forgiven him. It isn't my job to continue to hold him accountable for his mistakes years after they've happened. But I feel okay hating him because it's doing myself justice. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's easier to live my life despising this person than forcing myself to be okay with him. To tell myself that would be a lie.
I think I'll always hate him. Many of the underlying emotions have changed, but there's always been that solid, constant loathing. It's comforting to me, in a way.
Also, this is the first time I think I've ever admitted that I hate him. Damn, that felt good!!!!!
How do you know if you hate someone?
I know when I don't respect someone, I know when I don't wish to be around a person, or listen to a person speak, or entertain a person's delusrions or self importance. I know when I delight in someone's misery (I'm looking at you, Paris Hilton), and I know when I'm apathetic about someone, but I'm not sure if I really hate someone.
What's your litmus test for hate? Is it "if this person were hanging off a cliff, I'd let them die?" or "If this person died penniless and alone, I'd throw a party after their funeral?" Or is hate actively taking a part in the downfall of a person? To me, hate is something that would have to be at the core of a person, like someone in the KKK going lynching juse because a person's got more melanin.
I really resonate with what you are saying, Skye and Stargirl, about forgiveness... although... as I actually don't get #3 fully. That is, I don't know how to apply it. Will you tell me more about your own experience applying this if/when you do? Amber, how I wish you could tell me HOW you learned to forgive your deep hurt. But yes, I've forgiven before too quite successfully and I've moved on... and I also don't know HOW I did it. This one just seems either different, deeper, or perhaps just more "current".
Iron Chef and Ryan have helped me realize that perhaps I actually don't hate as strongly as I thought I did. (I mean, wow, it gets pretty bad out there doesn't it!)
Tahnee, is there a good reason for my hate? Yes, according to me. According to many people I've told about it, no. But they're dealing with their own stuff, which I could easily trivialize. One thing I've realized in relationships is that everything and everyone always mirrors our own self. I certainly know that most of what I'm currently hating is how I sometimes acted and who I was when I was with this person. Perhaps at the same time I am getting over my hurt, I'm also learning to forgive myself.
Tahnee, I do believe so strongly in what you are saying about feeling it all the way. I am. It's funny because when this huge wave of hatred hit me a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in a very holy and sacred place. I wanted very badly to suppress the negative feelings so I could embrace the spirit of purity and sanctity. But I let myself feel it all the way through. What better place to feel hate than in a holy place where I could actually listen to those feelings purely, and learn what I can actually do about it? Starting this blog conversation is me doing something about it.
LET IT GO!
Dear Anonymous,
I intend to. Sounds like you could have your own stuff going on.
Ha ha ha! True dat. Anonymous, you sound a little over-anxious. Maybe there's something/someone that you can't get over, and you're transferring those feelings of resentment and insecurity to others? ha ha!
does the person you hate know that you hate him? if other people feel your hatred isn't valid, and your hated one is unaware, aren't you just all alone in a world of hate?
i don't know how to fix that. all i can say is that the only way i've ever found to forgive is to see someone for what they really are, completely separate from me. you may realize that the person's hateful behavior toward you is just caused by pain, loneliness, or fear. that realization may make it possible to forgive.
i hope you can.
Hate is not a primary emotion, but "hurt" is... Hurt is what requires healing within ourselves, and we have little (if any) control over when others decide to do things differently. I view hate as the need for a greater understanding of... ourselves, and not just God or forgiveness. God is willing to forgive us when we are ready, it is more often a struggle of when we choose to forgive or be forgiven. Your emotions will own you if you do not first own them, and every day you think you hate someone you miss out on opportunities to love because you saved room for hate. Hard to hate those you love. Few people are as strong as you and so I say do what many others simply could not, and love this person. Love them for their journey and love them because you know how to love, and maybe then they will see what love really is- because obviously this person didn't learn to love the way you did. Only you will know how you can go about this. Don't try to analyze hate, you will never sleep again, instead try to analyze love. I am not saying ignore the hate, I am just saying nourish the love. I have to admit I am addicted to your blog because of all the posts about the people you love. Love, hate, hurt, and every other emotion you experience is real, but it could just be you have to make a choice on which ones you want to entertain.
Dear Anonymous and Anonymous,
Whoever you are, thank you. I read what you said a few times and you both get it.
I can't answer your questions here about this. If you ever decide to reveal who you are, and would like to continue this conversation (which I would actually welcome readily with you...) please email me if you have my address.
I honestly desire help. Whether from you, God, myself, this person, or all of the above.
And since I first posted this entry, I have been trying to do just what you have mentioned... focus on the love instead of the hate/hurt.
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